***Official Joke Thread***

SilverAggie

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no that's funny lmao:henry:

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A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his Mom is cooking and says, "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of Dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"

The startled mother tries to recover quickly and says, "Your Dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal
size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "You're wasting your time. When you go to work, the lady next door comes over and blows him right back up again."

now thats funny



sorry for double posting browser fd up

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Yessss! More like this. I'm sooo bored at work!
 
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blacknight

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A new RN has just started a new job at a hospital.
She's making her rounds with a more seasoned nurse as they come by a room with a guy masturbating.
The new nurse suprised, and said what the hell is this.
The season nursed replied, he has a rare condition. He produces too much semen and must masturbate at least 3 times a day or he will die.
The new nurse understood and they began walking and came accross another room where a gorgeous nurse is giving a patient a BJ
The new nurse said...what the hell is this??
The seasoned nurse replied.....Same condition, better health plan
 

blacknight

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Wife:
"What are you doing?"

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for
an hour."

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."
 

blacknight

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The Father
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards....
The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."
The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar
 

blacknight

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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little
discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate.
She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skipp y!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she sh!ts on you!
 

JMillerUA6

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I've had my GF for 2 years now (practically lives with me) - small, petite thing, cooks for me, always been good to me.

I go away on vacation for a week, come back and something just doesn't seem right . I asked my Father if he had seen anything happen with my GF and he acts clueless.

So fast forward to 3 weeks later... I'm coming home from work when bam clear as day right in my Kitchen I catch my Father red handed with his meat in my GF.

I was PISSED, told him to get his meat out of GF and GTFO, needless to say my GF got turned off. I just couldn't get over it and that night kicked my GF to the curb.

Now it's been 2 weeks since the incident and that I've been without my GF and about 10 minutes ago my Father had the audacity to ask my how my GF has been. - when he's the damn reason we ain't together no more.

Should I get off the computer and start swingin on him?

or

Pack my stuff and be on my way.


heres pics of my GF for you guys cuz i know you'll ask.





































gf.jpg
 

CHID0

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^Perfect.....lol


A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked
him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replied "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he said, "I was in Iraq two years."

The interviewer said, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment. Then he asked, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy said, "Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my
testicles."

The interviewer grimaced and said, "OK, you've got enough points to hire
you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m.. to 4:00 p.m. You can
start tomorrow at 10:00 a.m., and plan on starting at 10:00 a.m. every
day."

The guy was puzzled and said, "If the work hours are from 8:00 a.m. to
4:00 p.m., why don't you want me to be here until 10:00a.m.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer said, "For the first two
hours, we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that..."
 

blacknight

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A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge. "She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.

As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary! Have you changed your sex?" "No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a poop instead!"
 

blacknight

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten
million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in
the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear
anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is?'

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper. The bookkeeper signs
back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the God father: 'He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and
says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don´t tell
him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' The attorney
replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'

Don't you just love lawyers?
 
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