***Official Joke Thread***

Millz

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A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, "I wish I had bigger tits".

The boyfriend says "well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months".

'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.


'Well - it worked for your A$s' says the boyfriend.
 

Millz

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One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 

Millz

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What's big, green, and fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table.
 

Millz

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were on a plane. The plane crashes in the jungle, and they all get captured by canibals. The canibals say "Well we've got good news and we've got bad news. The bad news is we're going to kill you, eat you and use your skins for canoes. The good news is you get to choose the way you die."

The Frenchman says "Give me a sword." He says
"Vive le France", slits his throat, and he dies.

The Englishman says "Give me a pistol." He says "God save the Queen," shoots himself in the head and he dies.

The New Yorker says "Give me a fork." He takes the fork and stabs himself all over his body.

The canibals look at him and say, "What are you doing?" and the New Yorker says "There goes your fcuking canoe"
 

Millz

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A third-grade teacher is teaching her class about anatomy and decides to see how much her students know, so she starts to ask questions about the human body. "What body part," she says, "when stimulated, grows to seven times it's natural size?"

Little Suzy in the back of the room gasps loudly, but says nothing. Then the teacher asks again. "Can anyone tell me what body part, when stimulated, grows to seven times it's natural size?"

Suzy stands up and says, "We're only in the third grade! That question isn't appropriate! I'm gonna tell the principal!"

Ignoring Suzy, the teacher repeats the question. Still nobody answers. Suzy gets in a huff and says, "You're going to be in really big trouble!"
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand uncertainly. The teacher asks, "Johnny, can you tell us which body part grows to seven times it's natural size when stimulated?"

Johnny answers, "The pupil of the eye."
The teacher says "Very good!" Then she turns to Suzy. "You have a very dirty mind, and someday, you're going to be very dissapointed
 

blacknight

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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
 

blacknight

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Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend say's, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened...?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bas tard had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed
 

blacknight

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A little boy (Yeah, Little Johnny) comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

Johnny goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
 

blacknight

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A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his Mom is cooking and says, "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of Dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"

The startled mother tries to recover quickly and says, "Your Dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal
size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "You're wasting your time. When you go to work, the lady next door comes over and blows him right back up again."
 
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