blacknight
Superman, uh mod
>Oil Change instructions for Women:
>1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the
>last
>oil change.
>2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained
>vehicle.
>
>Money spent:
>Oil Change $20.00
>Coffee $1.00
>Total $21.00
>===================================================
>
>Oil Change instructions for Men:
>1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil,
>filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check
for
>$50.00.
>2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
drive
>home.
>3) Open a beer and drink it.
>4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>7) Place drain pan under engine.
>8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>10) Unscrew drain plug.
>11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
process.
>Cuss.
>12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw
>kitty litter on spilled oil.
>13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
>15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter
>and
>twist off.
>16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
>everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash
>can to avoid
>environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
>17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
>! Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door
>opener.
>18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan
>full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back
>yard
>instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
>19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
>21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
>gasket
>surface.
>23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along
>with drain plug.
>27) Drink beer.
>28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. R! e-shovel oily
dirt
>into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch
of
>ground
>and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
>29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
>kitty
>litter on oil spill.
>30) Drink beer.
>31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily
>rag
>used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
>drain
>plug and bang knuckles on frame.
>32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>33) Begin cussing fit.
>34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
>36) Beer.
>37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood
>flow.
>38) Beer.
>39) Beer.
>40) Dump in five fresh qua! rts of oil.
>41) Beer.
>42) Lower car from jack stands.
>43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during
>steps 23 - 43.
>45) Beer.
>46) Test drive car.
>47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
>48) Car gets impounded.
>49) Call loving wife, make bail.
>50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>
>Money spent:
>
>Parts $50.00
>DUI $2500.00
>Impound fee $75.00
>Bail $1500.00
>Beer $40.00
>Total - - $4,165.00
>
>But you know the job was done right
>1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
the
>last
>oil change.
>2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained
>vehicle.
>
>Money spent:
>Oil Change $20.00
>Coffee $1.00
>Total $21.00
>===================================================
>
>Oil Change instructions for Men:
>1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil,
>filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check
for
>$50.00.
>2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,
drive
>home.
>3) Open a beer and drink it.
>4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>7) Place drain pan under engine.
>8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>10) Unscrew drain plug.
>11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
process.
>Cuss.
>12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw
>kitty litter on spilled oil.
>13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
>15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter
>and
>twist off.
>16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
>everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash
>can to avoid
>environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
>17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
>! Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door
>opener.
>18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan
>full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back
>yard
>instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
>19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
>21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
>gasket
>surface.
>23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along
>with drain plug.
>27) Drink beer.
>28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. R! e-shovel oily
dirt
>into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch
of
>ground
>and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
>29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
>kitty
>litter on oil spill.
>30) Drink beer.
>31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily
>rag
>used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
>drain
>plug and bang knuckles on frame.
>32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>33) Begin cussing fit.
>34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
>36) Beer.
>37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood
>flow.
>38) Beer.
>39) Beer.
>40) Dump in five fresh qua! rts of oil.
>41) Beer.
>42) Lower car from jack stands.
>43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during
>steps 23 - 43.
>45) Beer.
>46) Test drive car.
>47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
>48) Car gets impounded.
>49) Call loving wife, make bail.
>50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>
>Money spent:
>
>Parts $50.00
>DUI $2500.00
>Impound fee $75.00
>Bail $1500.00
>Beer $40.00
>Total - - $4,165.00
>
>But you know the job was done right
That's why I take mine to the shop for my oil change.
