blacknight
Superman, uh mod
Subject: Thanks to you!!
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the years.
>
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using
a paper towel.
>
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
>
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.
>
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one past-time while driving alone is picking your
nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
>
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
> I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.
>
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan.
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
> I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies!
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
>
> Have a wonderful day....
>
> Oh, by the way.....
>
> A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
>
> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the years.
>
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using
a paper towel.
>
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
>
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.
>
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one past-time while driving alone is picking your
nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
>
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
> I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.
>
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan.
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
> I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies!
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
>
> Have a wonderful day....
>
> Oh, by the way.....
>
> A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
>
> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
cant believe i took the hand off the mouse...
