Winner Winner! Chicken dinner! I found the Brake Light Failure Sensor (we call it the BLFS around here) after removing the left trunk liner. It is on the upper side on the left, high and just forward of where the gas cap is. Wire colors matched, etc. Nothing looked obviously wrong, so I did the only logical thing. I jiggled the connector and wires. And ta da! The alarm is off and the brake lights work. Go figure...
Thanks for your help and guidance!
I think they bypass the 3rd light around just in case the sensor goes bad. Could also be something to do with the fact that the regular brake lights have two intensities. Not sure how that works, I'm a moron when it comes to electricity.