***Official Joke Thread***

[David]

Teacher : If you have 10 chocolate cakes
and
someone asks for 2,
How many do u have left?

Little Johnny: 10

Teacher: Ok, Well what if somebody forcibly takes 2 of the cakes,
how many would u have left then ?

Little Johnny : 10 and a dead body.

 

[blacknight]

^^^^
LOL
Nice

 

[blacknight]

SMART-ARSE ANSWERS

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid, she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, madam, they're all dead.'

3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he had
stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the copper said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

2nd Place
A truck driver was driving along a country road.
A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead'.
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cabin,
and said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'

SMART-ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of the next day's
final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed kid at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

 

[GoldnKnight22]

SMART-ARSE ANSWERS

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid, she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, madam, they're all dead.'

3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he had
stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the copper said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

2nd Place
A truck driver was driving along a country road.
A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead'.
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cabin,
and said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'

SMART-ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of the next day's
final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed kid at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

http://www.6thgenaccord.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11358&highlight="sexual+exhaustion"


ALL HAIL ERIC! KING OF THE REPOST!!!

 

[2000BlackCoupe]

5 years. 5 years. never forget

damn kevin, ****ing sleuth over here

 

[blacknight]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Ohio , and talked with a rancher.

He told Wilson, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this f*****g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!!

Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

Wilson nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and
saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's
big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified.


The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....



"Your badge, show him your fawking BADGE........ !

 

[blackhawksfan18]

Next time you and your girlfriend are watching a baseball game (assuming the person reading this is a a guy) make a deal with her that you kiss her on the strikes, and she kisses you on the balls

 

[HotboxF23]

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

 

[bairdandrew77]

I saved a pretty female from being raped today.
How, you ask?
Self control.

 

[bairdandrew77]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After

a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and

that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod with head phones

No joke, I've done that once back in high school...