***Official Joke Thread***

[blacknight]

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

 

[SykVSyx]

So there's a cheetah and a lion racing......







...The cheetah ends up winning but the lion tells him "hey you a cheetah!" and the cheetah says back "nah you lion!"

 

[cantafordaccord]

a good joke

please add your own or others

Mike had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...

"Great," says Mike, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As cliff is leaving, he stops.. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking."

"Not a problem," says Mike. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of them."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fighting too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More 'n likely be some wild sex too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Mike, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

" Don 't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

 

[Frisky Arab]

^^ this is great!

Yesterday in physics we got off of our topic of waves, and into talking about electromagnetic pulses.

He informed us of what exactally an EMP does, which is send down a wave of electromagnetic radiation that immidiatly fries the cuircut board of ANYTHING electrical.

He then began to tell us how if multiple EMP's were to span the U.S. due to another countries attack, that it would basically be utter chaos. He said that computers, televisions, and cell phones would die, there would be no lights or a/c anywhere, cars would shut off on the roads, and planes would plumit out of the sky.

Soon after he told us this, a blonde girl from the back of the class said "and boats would sink!" Our instructor put his palm to his face and said "Do I really need to explain to you why what you said is wrong?"

(in case you dont get it, boats will float even if they cant run/start. EMP's will not magically put a hole in the hull of the boat)

 

[blacknight]

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night..

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 

[2002CG3coupe]

me like this

 

[blacknight]

An old couple is sitting in church listening to the sermon. The old lady leans over to her husband and says "I just let out a silent fart what should I do?" The old man leans back and says " you can start by replacing the battery in your hearing aid.

 

[Mikey]

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers.

Man who fart in church sit in his own pew.

 

[blacknight]

Never Jump to Conclusions...
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the
driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***


***Longer Pause***


***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? I don’t have a swimming pool.

Uh oh, I dialed the wrong number

 

[blacknight]

A girl from Georgia and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane.
The girl from Georgia, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya from?"
The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Georgia sat quietly for a few moments and then in her Sweetest Southern Accent replied:
"So, where ya from, b!tch?"

1. A day without sunshine is like ......... night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
"What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all
fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.